What if we stopped trying so hard to be something that we're not?

Have you ever spent your entire life trying to become something that you're not? 

You know... have you ever tried to look like someone else, or shrink your body to fit someone else's expectations? Have you ever tried to be outgoing and the life of the party? What about trying to gain a following on social media, or fit the mold that you have sculpted for yourself through your own words? Have you ever tried to pretend you were ready to be at the top of the staircase with all the big players when you actually didn't even want to climb that staircase anyway? 

Me? I've been on a diet since I was 12 years old. I've tried to be blonder, tanner and have whiter teeth. I've tried to be straight. I've tried to pretend I didn't experience depression or anxiety. I've tried to pretend my marriage was working. I've tried to become a rockstar, a hair stylist, a psychologist, a nutritional therapist... and that's just to name a few. I've also tried to not have a problem with alcohol, or food or any drug that would alter my mind. But alas- those things also never panned out. 

When I was in a band, I tried to live life like a rockstar would. When I was in cosmetology school, I tried to look like one. When I was a nutritional therapist, I shape shifted myself to look like her, too. 

Never once did I ever think that who I showed up as, first...was who I was supposed to become.

Have you ever had that thought, I couldn't possibly be meant to be this way?

As if you were somehow born screwed up and imperfect. As if there was a show to be put on, if you could only get in costume and learn the lines. 

What if there is no show? What if "becoming" doesn't mean changing who you were, but merely accepting who you are. 

I've spent a long time trying to fix something I saw when I looked in the literal and figurative mirror... and I am starting to suspect that that very action has been what has held me back from real and inexplicable joy my entire life. I am starting to wonder if anytime I am "trying", I am actually blocking myself off from just "being".

Who am I without expectations of who I should be? Who am I without the desire to change who I always have been? 

How much energy do we burn up in an attempt to deny ourselves the permission and the freedom to love ourselves perfectly, as we are, in this very moment? 

I don't know the answer to those questions. To tell you the truth, it's a scary thought for me to make peace with myself, but I think it's precisely the thing that needs to be done. 

I am 32, and I am tired...I am exhausted...and I am ready to see things differently. 

So, this blog doesn't have an answer for you...

But it does have a very important question-one that maybe you haven't asked yourself, and perhaps you could benefit from-

Who are you left with when you stop running from yourself? 

 

Kristen Hubbard